If You Thought I was Pefect
by RharrypotterO
Summary: Lily is a teenage girl. She can't help her feelings. It would have all worked out. Except that stupid James Potter had to go and get over her- sort of.
1. Suprise!

**If You Thought I Was Perfect**

"Hi." I looked up and realized that the person who just said hi to me was none other than Lily Evans.

"Uhh" my mouth dropped open. Damn it! She looked confused

"Um.." She looked around the compartment. "How's your summer been?"

"Hey Evans, what's up? Good summer. Didn't have to see my bloody family once. Oh and by the way did James do anything wrong to piss you off in about the 20 minutes we've actually been on this train?- Wait" Sirius said turning to me "Have you even seen her today?"

"Nope." She answered for me "I just thought that I'd come and give a friendly Hello.. you know." She smiled. God why did she have to be so perfect.

"Uhh" I seriously still couldn't say hello.

"Wait Lily Evans. Wants to say 'hello' to James Potter?" Said Sirius trying to believe his eyes.

"Not just James, come on. I don't hate you that much Black!" She smirked. "Well I'll see you two later" she said turning to me "maybe when you can talk."

She left the compartment. I turned to Sirius "Mate..? Did she just?"

"Do that? Yes. Did she just use your name? Yes."

"Do you reckon she's got Nargles?"

* * *

Oh my god. I cannot believe that that just happened. Damn it! What is wrong with me. I have to go and let this stupid fall in love with Potter' thing get stuck in my head and now of course it just HAS to come true. Really? Why is life so cruel. And the fact that he couldn't say a word to me. I am definitely going back to plan A. It worked fine the second half of last year (well right up until the end that it.) and I can do it again. Ignore it. My feelings will go away… yeah they will! As soon as James Potter becomes a bloody prat, which isn't going to happen! Because he decides he's going to change his ways a be bloomin' lovable and now and now and now he decides he's over me! NOW! Just my bleedin luck. Why did he have to change. Damn him for changing. It's not fair. He can't do this to me. Not now.. He's just such a "HEAD BOY! No wait… James, Shit! Why did I use his first name again!, Potter is head boy.. Has Dumbledore lost his marbles? Oh my God.. this is- this is barmy." I mumbled all of this more to myself than him.. Oh he's till here. I force myself to eye roll "You are kidding right?" He sighed

"Well at least it's nice to see that Lily is back to normal with so little faith in me"

"What do you mean back to normal? What kind of question was that!" I definitely know the answer. Why the Hell did Dumbledore go and make him bloody head boy "You weren't even a prefect!" I squaked

"Um Lily I wasn't planning on it either.. I just.."

"You just? You just? You don't think you could have mentioned it to me when I tried, and F.Y.I failed, to have a conversation with you about how your summer went!"

"Well it wasn't a high point alright. And that is just what I'm talking about, normal.. You tried to have a conversation with me a bloody conversation! I mean sure, last year we were acquaintances. But you made it clear you didn't feel like being around me when none of your other friends were."

"I-" I squeaked. He had me.. Plan A. Avoid Jam-Potter. Reinstating now! I stare at my feet.

"Ah shit, Lily" He sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I guess.. I don't even know. I just hope this can be a good year." To hell with that! This is going to be the worst and LAST year of my life! Did you hear him, I freaked out at him (when it's not his fault!) and he apologized for defending himself without so much as raising his voice. I told you, he's not going to be a prat anytime soon. So I answered simply "I hope so to."

* * *

ok. I _have_ decided that I wasn't going to blow up at perfect Lily when she goes crazy. Damn it! It's not her fault. Like Moony said "You egg her on naturally. She got used to you being a prat and she can hardly help going barmy, Prongs. You've just got to show her your not one anymore. Then she'll start to change."

"Yeah mate," Sirius added "Prongs she can't help it. And I'm not sure if.. well.. maybe.. youshouldjustmoveon"

"What?" I nearly fainted.

"I think what Pads meant was that you should get the idea of her going out with you this year out of your head.. at least for now. Just work on being her friend. Wait until she realizes what she's got in front of her." He had tried to let me down easy..

"You mean forget her. It's not possible. It's not. She is a part of my life.. For so long.. taking her out of it, would be taking away my childhood.- But maybe your right. I-"

"Listen mate. Trust us."

And I had. So I must.

"James?" what? What was that? "James." I awoke a hand shaking me gently "James it's time to go meet the prefects. In the prefects compartment." What? Had I fallen asleep? And why was she looking down at me. Did I shrink? As if reading my mind Lily answered

" You sighed after I said I hoped it would be a good year and closed your eyes.. And Y-y-you fell asleep." She turned pink.

"What? Did I say anything?" My whole charade would be blown if I had said anything about Lily!

"No.. no. not really. Y-you um well.. you kind fell over on me.." I peered up at her.. her cheeks were now red and then I realized I was still there.

"Oh!" I said as I jumped off of her and tumbled out over the floor. I stared up at her in horror and started throwing out apologies "I'm so sorry Lily! Really! I didn't mean! I'm oh my!" I stopped and realized she was laughing at me. I didn't have to worry.

* * *

Yes, but what that lovely boy sprawled across the floor doesn't know, before he started mumbling, is how close I'd been to touching his perfect unruly hair. After a while I got used to it and had placed my hand gently on his head. At first he went silent I almost removed my hand. But then he "hmm"ed and I continued to stroke his hair. I know! I'm hopeless. How can I avoid Jam-potter if I'm stroking his hair. I should have used the opportunity to shove him off me and laugh at his face. It was just so soft and now all I wish was that there was no prefects meeting and that I could have just sat there and touched his lovely black hair. But no.. I had to wake him up. I laughed, I honestly don't know what was so funny about this whole situation.. It was just so ironic. He loves me for years and I absolutely abhor him and now he goes and gets over me and I can't help but fall head over heels in love with him. And the fact that he teases me about it in his sleep just isn't fair. And it's just so funny. But well then he just looked at me strange and I just got up and left expecting him to follow.. Which, he did. And now heads duties are over, which surprisingly he didn't do to badly on. I'm in the common room sitting in my favorite armchair waiting for James to come back down from his dorm room after he realized that 1. There weren't enough beds up there. 2. Stop Sirius from trying to kick Peter out of the dorm. 3. Realize his stuff isn't up there. And 4. Realize that he has to share a separate dorm with me. Yeah this should be interesting. And speak of the devil (because it's really not fair that he got over me and now I'm trapped in this stupid mess.) here he comes. I can feel his eyes draw towards me.. I'm clearly no reading my book.

"Um Lily. Do you know anything about the situation upstairs?"

"Oh yeah.. we have separate dorms as heads. I was waiting for you to realize. I just wasn't expecting you to stay up until 12 first.. ugh. And I had to actually pretend that I wanted to read my book that long when I was really watching you play exploding snap.

"But, why didn't you tell me!"

"You got the letter too. Come on James really. Didn't you even read it?"

"I.. I didn't even look at the envelope until today on the train." YES! He's not taking his duties seriously that means that I can hate him again!

"What? Why? Because that's really irresponc-"

"No, Lily, I didn't open it because I didn't get it before then." Damn it! That was such a stupid stupid stupidly good excuse!

"But, It's Dumbledore" I fumbled around for an answer "And… Owls! They can find you anywhere!"

" I guess he just hadn't made up his mind."

"More like lost his bloody mind!" I closed my eyes telling myself he didn't deserve this.

"James.. I'm sorry. We're heads and we need to be on good terms- so- I guess, I just that's a really hard answer to believe."

"You're right lily. And I am lying, partially. But I'm just- just not ready to tell you."

"Oh…" I felt like reaching out and hugging him.. but just succeeded in looking awkward.

"Well, er, can we go to bed now.."

"Yeah.. our dorms are near Ravenclaw. I'll show you." I led the way out of the portrait hole.

To hell with this. How am I ever going to ignore him if he's Head Boy AND we share a common room? This is so fucked up.


	2. One very confusing portrait

Did Lily really just try to hug me? Or at least consider it? What is going on here? And why the hell did she apologize for yelling at me, and call me James again? I have started noticing that she is trying not to call me that. It seems to be easier for her to call me James. Why doesn't she? She seemed fine with it on the train. Did she decide it would be to her advantage if she wasn't my friend after all. If that is the case then this year will be so fucked up. Oh Merlin, this is so fucked up.

* * *

Ok. Now that I've decided Plan A won't work what will I do? I don't have all night. I mean really I can't lead him in circles for long before he notices. I mean I know exactly where I'm going.. I'll just have to make up an excuse. Ok go.

"Shit! Missed the turn. We'll have to turn around. It's just so bloody dark." Lily Evens seems to be accustomed to swearing in the dark. I've never heard her swear any other time.

"Lily do you normally swear?" she answered automatically

"Only in my head. It's a waste to say it out loud. You should only swear when it's really important"

"And missing that turn is really important?"

Oh shit. I must have sworn because he was still on my mind.. Shit no! He's not important! He's not! #$!#%! NO! Lily get a hold of yourself!

"Lily?" I pretended not to hear

"Hmm?"

"What is so important about missing a turn?"

"I- I'm tired. I get bitchy when I'm tired"

"I can tell." Ah shoot I swore again. I really have to stop this bad habit. It is such a waste of vocabulary!

"Yeah well… you make me do it.. I also seem to swear when I'm nervous.." oh shit… really?

"You're nervous right now?" he looked like he was trying not to grin his face off. It wasn't working.

"Pfff… I said AND nervous! I also get angry!" Damn him for making me nervous.

"Ok. Lily." That's good. Ok good Jam-POTTER!

* * *

"POTTER" what did I do now? I went along with her little lie.. I don't get it.. so I just stopped walking. And she just kept right on going. What is the last thing I said? 'Ok. Lily.' Was it because I used her name..

* * *

Ok his name is Potter.. you dingbat! Potter! I have now decided my only option is get over him.. he got over me right? If he could get over me, then I can get over him. I can right? Right- wait where did he go? "Potter?" I looked on both sides and turned around. He was standing 10 yards away. "What?" I asked louder this time "Is there something wrong" my voice echoed in the empty hall.

"well.. er" his voice was small. Wait. Why does he look so awkward? Did I do something?

" You kind of yelled at me Lily.. Can I call you that? Is Lily fine?"

"What?" she echoed looking confused.. "What did I say?" What? Was she yelling at me in her head this whole time? This is more hopeless than I actually thought.

"Um you said I quote, POTTER!" I yelled the last word.

"Oh.." she paused "just ignore that.. I'm senile.. I'm barmy.. don't worry.. I think I have short term memory loss. Yeah. That would be it." Short term memory loss really?

"Would you hurry and catch up please. I want to go to bed!"

* * *

What kind of excuse was that? And why the hell did I yell his name? Oh my God I've gone barmy. The only way to fix this is to actually call him James. And if I call him James.. I'm going to have to tell him.. everything. Oh shit. I can't do that. But I have to. But I can't! BUT YOU HAVE TOO. Right. I have to. So to the dorm, where I will corner him and snog him senseless. Yep that's how it'll work.. yep. Yep.

"Ok. Well here we are."

"Where? We're in an empty hallway."

"Oh sorry. The room of requirement. It takes us there." I said distracted by looking at the wall and at my letter.

"Wait how does that work? Only one group can use it at a time. If we're always in it..?" I finally looked up

"You ask for the heads hall. You'll see." I spoke to the empty wall. " I need the heads hallway." Two carved oak double doors appeared and we I opened one and we walked through. On the other side was a lengthy hall going both directions with portraits of heads all the way back to when they started them. "So now all we have to do is find our portraits."

"Yeah that's going to be a walk in the park" and though the thought of looking down both sides of the hallway was daunting to think of, it was easier than we thought. We had both split up until James had luckily come back to the original spot where the door is and realized our portraits were not two but one right in front of the door. He called to me and we both stared at the picture. There we were older and smiling at each other sitting in one big armchair, which looked a tad bit to small.) But that's when I realized that I was sitting on his lap with his arms were around my waist.. OK. Weird. I am going to ignore that. I reached for the handle on the side of the frame and swung it open. Plan AB don't snog James Potter!

* * *

When we entered the common room Lily didn't look at anything she marched to a door on left side read a plaque and huffed and marched to an opposite door on the right side of the room, opened it and shut it and didn't come back out. But I on the other hand lingered. The Common room was small and cozy. Red and Gold for Griffindor. A wood table in front if the fire and a sopha behind that, with two armchairs on either side. On either side of the room was a door with a gold plaque probably reading our names. I would go to bed, but I can't think. Why did that painting show us together? I mean together together. I had noticed that the other portraits were older, some very old some middle aged, some friendlier than others. But some weren't even together in the same portrait. What did this mean? I couldn't help myself. I stepped back out of portrait hole and shut it. I stared at us. It was my fantasy, what I've been longing for six years. Only this time we were doing more than holding each other.. Hmm I like this portrait. But I cleared my throat..

"What?" said the older Lily she turned around and blushed profusely "oh. Sorry. I- what do you need?"

"I- er" I cleared my throat again. "Why are we together? I mean. What's with this portrait.. I mean your older.."

"Oh.. well you see" My portrait self said "it's strictly prohibited that you know until the right time. In fact, you shouldn't have seen us doing what we were just doing.. um. Lily you should" he spoke to portrait Lily who then said

"Already there" she got up and walked out of the portrait to one I hadn't noticed below it."

" I don't get it." I said.

" I know. But you will." He opened for me "just forget about it." And as he was shutting the door I heard him say to portrait Lily "It is such a good thing that I was so dim back then." And that was that and I was back in through the portrait hole and in the common room. I swear I faintly heard the older Lily say "You still are." Ha. Serves him right. And now all I can think about is a 20 year old me snogging Lily Evans. Man I hate to be gross but it was one of the hottest things I've ever seen. Oh God I want her so bad.

* * *

Ok. Lily. Get a hold of yourself. Stop freaking out. What are you going to do? Forget about that freaky portrait and get a hold of yourself. Should you call him James or should you call him Potter? Do you like him or will you get over him?

Ah hell. Who am I kidding. How am I going to forget about James Freakin Beautiful Potter and how amazing I looked when we were together in that portrait. Oh man. I want him so bad. I mean I can hardly help but freak out. I tried didn't I? I mean, I on the train he made it clear how embarrassed he was about laying on my lap and and and… and about the fact that he wasn't into me anymore. So much so that he didn't want to be around me. This is so messed up. Ok. Think logically. Step by step. What will you do tomorrow?

I was lying on my bed. My room was quite nice. I walked in expecting it to be Gryffindor colors but I was surprised. It was aqua and gold. Ha! To match my hair. It sure was pretty though. It had a very feminine. There was a window seat on a large window facing the lake. So even if I couldn't look up at the stars I could look down and see them reflected on the black glassy lake only disturbed occasionally by ripples from the giant squid. It was a lovely sight. All the furnishings were dainty and slightly Victorian. Instead of a normal closet I had a wardrobe where my trunk lay beside it. I got up, something to do. I opened my trunk and the wardrobe and started unpacking. Oh how Dumbledore knew me. He knew I had some sort of love for unpacking. Making things my home. That's why most of the walls were bare. He also knew that I loved to decorate. Which I confess I do. The professors had set a table where I could set up my sewing machine (muggle as it was I love to create instead of just using magic.) They had set out some material and stuffing for pillows and whatever else I wanted. It was lovely. I already felt at home.

Once I made sure all my shoes were on their carol in the wardrobe, which had a spell on it to make it as big as it needed to be on the inside. So everything fit snuggly, perfectly just the way I like it. It was nice. But even though all of this held wonder and delight for me I couldn't seem to forget the fact that James was living in a room opposite to me and the fact that I was going to have to face him tomorrow and not just tomorrow, but every day for the rest of the year because of heads duties. Dumbledore was up to something. I sure as hell know that McGonagall wouldn't have put James as head. He was definitely up to something. Now if it was to get James and I together. Well I'm not sure I would hate that idea. I just. I'm not sure I can face everyone with the fact that I am freaking in love with James Potter. Damn my life. I climbed into bed and instantly fell asleep.

The next time I awoke I was feeling a warm hand shake me gently. I moaned and realized that I had slept in. So I opened my eyes to see my savior who's hand still lay on my shoulder and screamed.


	3. mixed feelings

I pulled the covers up over me! What the hell was he thinking! I could be naked or something. I looked down and realized to late that I was still in my clothes from yesterday.

"Err, sorry Lily, but I didn't want you to have to be late to the first heads meeting of the year." I could tell he was trying not to laugh.

"Oh, it's ok. I just, you sort of scared me there."

"Yeah." That's when I realized that he didn't have a shirt on. Oh Merlin. I was in for it.

"Um James how come you don't have a shirt on? Did you wake up late too?" I could feel myself growing red.

"No. But I didn't think you'd mind" How did he know? How did he find out! HOW THE HELL DID HE FIND OUT?

"What.. Do you mean?" I managed to squeak.

"Well, I meant this" and he leaned down very close to me. I'm dreaming right now. I must be dreaming. But I can feel him. He is so close, way to close for someone who has no feelings for me whatsoever. Oh Merlin-

"Lily? Lily? Lily it's time to wake up." I kept my eyes closed willing myself to fall back asleep. It didn't work. I groaned and opened my eyes and standing before me was a full dressed version of James, still just as lovely though. But it sure was disappointing. I was dreaming. And this James didn't even touch me to wake me up. Oh it's just not fair.

I smiled up at him and yawned "Morning James" I just smiled and stayed right where I was.

"Um.. Lily, you should maybe get up now. That would be good."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want you to be late for the first heads meeting." Ok. That's creepy, that is just plain creepy. And not ok.

"Oh. Um. Ok. You can leave now. I'm awake."

"Oh.. Ok." He stood there for a second then left. That was really awkward. Well then.. That's ok. I'll just go back to sleep and dream about- NO! I will not go back to sleep! Heads duties are more important then trying to see James Potter without a shirt on. Yep, much more important! After throwing clothes on and grabbing my school bag I ran down to the common room, I would have to shower during break.

"Sorry James- let's go!" I said as I got down to the common room, I didn't wait for him to get up and pulled open the portrait hole. He looked up from his chair and quickly jumped up after me. In the hall we pulled open the double doors and came out across from the Gryffindor common room.

"But we're so close. How?"

"Oh, did I not tell you? It brings where you need to go when you leave the doors." He looked behind him the doors were gone. He stood there for a minute. I could almost see the beautiful gears turning in his head.

"Could I put a hold on it and have this entrance stay here?" I hadn't thought about that.

" I guess so.. But I wouldn't suggest it others could get in. And oh, by the way, in no way is any marauder aloud in our dorm."

"But Lily-"

"James I am putting my foot down on this issue. No marauders, period. I won't be able to study with them around. And they'll distract you from heads duties. We can still go in the Gryffindor common room. So you guys can hang there, heck we don't have to do anything in our common room at all we can just sleep there. But no marauders." This I had decided when I thought Remus would be Head with me. None whatsoever. He sighed

"Ok Lily. Sure. That's fine."

"Good now that that's settled. Onward to the prefects meeting. We went to the empty classroom. No one was there yet.

"Ok Lily. Get it out." He rounded on me

"What?" Get it out? What? What does that mean? He knows. He's got too.

"Start screaming at me."

"Why?" I must have looked terrified because his look softened.

"You have to yell at me all my problems so I can fix them so you can call me James without feeling split as to which name to use."

"I-"

"I mean you can call me Potter if you want, but I would prefer that you didn't you know seeing that we'll be acquaintances and have to talk every single day."

"I- um. I-" I can't think of anything to yell at him.. "Why would I do that?"

* * *

What? Why would she do that? Why would she yell at me? That doesn't make sense.

"Um because you've hated me my whole life."

"I don't hate you.." she looked sad and hurt. What was this? Oh music to my ears! She doesn't hate me! She DOESN'T!

"Oh. Well then. Feel free to call me James. I don't mind." I really don't.

"Ok." She whispered looking horrified. I just don't get Lily. I love her. I love everything about her. Her stubbornness, her mood swings, her smile, her laugh, the way she smells like sweet fluffy bits of sugar, her smarts, the way she sounds when she calls me James. But I don't understand her. I guess I really do have to be her friend first. Because then I can no how she works. But did she really not like me at all. She's giving me all these mixed signs. Last night she didn't even want to look at me, and then she goes and starts using my name. She looks at me like I'm crazy when I say she used to hate me. And now, NOW she's afraid. Sometimes I feel like she is imagining me without a shirt on because she just stares and stares at where my abs should be, like this morning! This morning she looked so surprised to see me. And when she saw my shirt she looked almost disappointed. What is going on in that huge head of hers?

Well prefects meeting now over they all leave the room. I was too busy to pay attention. So much so that when she asked me a question I didn't even hear her. And now they're all leaving and she is going to scream her head off at me for making her look bad.

"Remus" she said I looked up and realized Moony was lingering with his things. Probably trying to save me. "Do you think I could have a word? Outside?"

"Yeah sure Lily. No problem. What's up?" As they were leaving the classroom Lily looked back at me a hint of a smile played on her lips. A SMILE? Are you serious? She said "I'll see you in the commons James." Then she turned too Moony and, all the while getting softer as they got farther away, said "You see- well this is hard to say but…" and then I couldn't hear anymore because the door finally shut. Why would she want to talk to Moony? What did she have to say that was hard to say? Damn my life. With that confused feeling I collected our things and went to talk to Sirius.

"Well?" I asked Padfoot "what do you think?"

"Think of what mate?" he mumbled as he stared at the girl across the common room quill tip in his mouth.

"What I told you. You know Lily and Moony."

"Oh right" he finally adverted his eyes to my face. "I don't know mate. But I don't think it's anything to worry over. Moony's our best mate. It's probably nothing important." He looked back over at the girl. He probably didn't even know what I was talking about. "What do you think of Alice Prewitt? She's pretty right?" I looked at him and sighed. I looked over at the blonde leaning over her parchment.

"Yeah, I guess she's alright. But I'm not really the best person to ask. Why?"

"I reckon I might ask her to Hogsmead."

"You don't even know her."

"Yeah, but I do." That doesn't make sense

"What?"

"You know, she's been in all my classes since 2nd year. I know her. You know how I am with girls."

"Yeah, you see someone pretty and somehow get them to snog you in a broom cupboad and then you forget about them. Sound accurate?"

"No! I mean not with girls I actually like. I can't help my hormones."

"Fine. Ask her to Hogsmead. I don't care" I sighed "But don't expect her to say yes. Because she's not going to take any crap from you." I got up. Padfoot was not helping. "I'm going to go take a nap Pads, see you later." I got up and started heading for the door.

"Oi! Where you going Prongs?"

"I told you I'm going to go-"

"I know, so where you going- oh that's right. You have a special dorm." He stuck his tongue out and got up.

"Where are YOU going?"

"I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not."

"Um mate, yes I am. I want to see your pad. Haha. Get it. Pad. Padfoot."

"You can't. Lily said that she wants no marauders."

"Come on. She's talking with Moony. He's a marauder and it's a private conversation. And she won't even know!"

"That would be betraying her trust. I would feel terrible."

"Oh come on." He gave me his puppy dog eyes."

"No." and with that I marched out the room. I then heard him mumble "Damn you and your hidden love for Evans!" And after that all I heard was the portrait hole shut. I sprinted to the second floor just in case he decided to follow me.

When I got the Room Of Requirements I asked for the Heads Hall and the portrait seemed to be behaving. I went inside and completely exhausted, sighed about all the weird bits of the day. And then I proceeded to completely forgot about classes. I just lay down on the couch and went out.

"James" A small hand stroked my hair and I heard Lily's "James wake up." I shifted into her hand and kept my eyes closed. I didn't want this moment to end. She didn't move her hand. "James. You missed Dinner. Hell you missed the whole day. It's time to get up and go to bed." I opened my eyes and seeing me awake she sat down next to my head with her hand still on my hair. "What happened today? Why were you so tired?" i leaned over so she could look me in the eye. I didn't meet her gaze and mumbled an incoherent answer. "Come on James. What's going on? I got back here before lunch and you were sleeping. I came back after dinner and you were still passed out. What's wrong?" Ha. Lily Evens wants to know what's wrong. Haha. How ironic. Why is she being all friendly anyways? I looked up at her.

"Lily?"

"Huh?" she gazed at me and continued to stroke my hair.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Her hand stopped and she looked straightforward for a minute. Then she sighed.

* * *

I just want to tell him. He's so wonderful. I hate it. But Remus said not too. Huh. I just. He's changed so much. Since last year I just can't even start. He was so changed and we became friends. I mean I still yelled at him, but I laughed with him too. And then towards the end of the year I realized how much I really did like him. And I didn't know how to handle him so I just started edging away. Slowly I stopped hanging out with solely him. Soon I didn't hang out with the marauders unless my friends were there. At first when he noticed that I wasn't around much he asked me what was going on and I said I was busy. I soon just came up with excuses and then left it there. Finally he approached me about it. I had evaded him for 3 days but he finally caught me. I had turned a corner and he caught my arm. I tried to yank it out but he held on firmly, but he made sure not to hold me.I don't even know how he got there.

"Lily, we need to talk." I looked up at him and then at his hand and then back up weighing my options.

"I know. I was just looking for you." If he let go then I could have run away.

"No." he had sighed, "You've been checking around every corner making sure I wasn't in that hall. Come on. Lily. I know you too well to just believe that you were busy. You've been ignoring me and I want to know why." He had looked me straight in the eye.

"I. I just. I. Ok you want the truth?"

"Yes."

"I don't know. Something's wrong with me. I don't know."

"Lily! Stop avoiding the question."

"I'm not!"

"Yes."

"no!"

"YES."

"NO!"

"YES YOU ARE."

"Damn it! The reason I've been avoiding you is because I can't stand you! I don't ever want to see you again. I don't like you. I don't want to be around you. Get your hands off me Potter!" I could have shot myself. I didn't even know where those words came from. I stood there for a second. His hand had immediately let go of my arm the instance I used his last name. He stood there shocked at me. I did the only thing I could get through my head. Run.

I hadn't talked to him after that. And he hadn't seeked it either. Then over the summer I couldn't stop putting myself down for ruining things with him so I decided this year would be different. I hadn't realized that I couldn't just talk to him like nothing had ever gone disastrously wrong.

I sighed "I- I made a mistake last year. A big one. I'm just tired of us not being friends. I'm sorry" I looked down at him

"I knew it" he smiled and moved his head to my lap. "I knew something had happened. You don't need to talk about it though. I'm just glad we're back." He was so forgiving. And nice and sweet and cute, and had a great chest and arms and was just so so so good and and. Ok Lily! I smiled down at him.

"Ok bed time."

"No.." he groaned. I sighed as he closed his eyes.

"Ok just a little longer." I sighed. As he closed his eyes, I closed mine too.

I opened my eyes. Light filtered through the window. I sighed and realized with a smile that James was lying on his back and had his arms around me and that my head was on his chest. I shifted and put my arm around his waist and closed my eyes again.

The next time I woke up my head was on his shoulder and my hand on his chest. And his breathing wasn't quite as spaced and I could tell he was awake. I lifted my head. "Good morning." I felt his voice rumble. I put my head back on his chest and smiled into him. I heard that he smiled in reaction.

"Good morning." I replied. But I had to get up. He didn't like me and I don't like him. We just fit really well together. So reluctantly I sat up. But I couldn't resist leaving my hand on his chest. I twisted around to see his face. "We need to get up James. I'm not sure what time it is. But I already woke up once briefly this morning."

"You already woke up?" He seemed slightly mystified and then I caught on that he thought it was weird that I didn't get up.

"It was like a dose. I woke up for like 30 seconds." Well it may have been more like 2 minutes. But.. It was all in relativity anyways.

"Oh. Well. I suppose we ought to get up."

"Yeah, I suppose." Neither of us moved. I finally took the initiative to get up. I looked down one more time and removed my hand from his chest. Who knew when the next time we would be this close would be. I sighed and trudged upstairs. I am just sort of glum because of our relationship right now. I mean I know that I should happy. We're friends. He doesn't mind having a physical relationship either, or at least more physical anyways. Even though he doesn't like me anymore. But still. I should be thankful. I just- I was so close. And now over the summer he's just. Done. Done and over me. Come on Lily! Lighten up! You have a lot to be thankful for! He forgave you!


	4. Almost

**One week later.**

"James! Wake up! We're going to be late. Again!" ugh would she ever let me sleep?

"I don't need you to be my alarm clock Lily." I groaned

"Apparently you do. So get up." I lifted my head ad saw her standing there with her hands on her hips. I looked at the clock. 6:30. Hell she got me up half an hour too early.

"Lily, it's 6:30. You woke me up early!"

"I did not. I said we _were_ going to be late. It takes you an hour and half to get ready and you only give yourself an hour. I don't even know how you take that long. God. Sometimes I think your gay you're so vain."

"Lily!"

"Ok. Ok. I'll shut up if you GET up. Ok?"

"Fine" How was she always this awake. I took a good look at her. She was up and showered and half dressed in jeans and a black tank top. God she is beautiful. I pulled myself out of my bed. I walked towards her with my arms outstretched. She backed up.

"Eww James no! I do not want you to hug me."

"Aww Lily, why not. It's just a hug. Come on. We haven't said good morning yet."

"No. You have cat breath in the morning."

"Cat breath?"

"Yeah. Don't ask me how I know."

"How do you know?" I took a step forward unnoticed by her, and then I took another.

"Um well there was this one morning… and well." She looked down.

"And well?" I kept advancing.

"Well I came in here to wake you up- Again! And I got up close to your face to wake you by screaming at you and you yawned." I could already see her blushing as she scrambled for an excuse as to why she was close to my face.

"Oh well it that case." I charged for her and swooped her up and hugged her oh Merlin she smelled so good.

"Ugh James." I heard her muffled voice say. "You smell" and then her voice faded away and I felt her sigh. I smell good. Yeah that's right. Because I take a shower at night. And I now I know she was lying. I let go of her suddenly. She looked confused.

"What? I don't smell like cat breath?"

"What? No. Come here." She walked forward to hug me again and I darted out of the way. "James that's not fair!"

"No No Lily! I need to get ready or we'll be late." She stopped at that, and her arms fell to the ground.

"Fine" she walked out my door turned around and pouted at me I looked down and pretended to be preoccupied. She huffed and grumbled something and left the room. I looked up and saw her retreating back. God her red hair was beautiful.

* * *

God he was hot. Man why did he have to sleep without a shirt. And then go and hug me. I made the excuse that he had cat breathe but I could tell he didn't believe me. My disguise is getting weaker everyday. I don't think I can keep this up much longer. I only didn't hug his because I was nervous about the fact that if I did I might just explode if I touch his abs too much. And then where would we be. Damn quidditch does a body good.

Ok focusing on school. On school. On school! Damnit Lily! Why does seeing Stupid James Potter shirtless render you immobile! Really! With that I forced got all my things together.

James and I have been getting closer every day and I don't know what to do. He sends me so many mixed signs. Like we might be totally flirting and then he realizes what he's doing and he goes back to being my friend James. We hadn't been as close as we had that morning since then but moments like those were becoming more frequent. I have to stop this. Something must be done, but something that doesn't involve yelling. I don't want to yell at him. If I do I might start crying and then where would I be?

* * *

What to wear today? Why don't I ever have clean clothes? Shouldn't I? Aren't the house elves supposed to the laundry? Have I missed something? I always put my clothes in my laundry hamper in my closet. I don't have time to figure this out. I pull open my closet doors to find a pair of dress robes, and a polo shirt that my mom insisted I buy. I didn't ever wear either. And I would see the green light before I ever wear that shirt. I pulled out my hamper and dumped the contents onto the floor. I picked up a pair of jeans and sniffed them. Ugh no way am I wearing those. That is my problem I can't stand to be dirty, I mean that could be seen as a virtue. But really, right now it is not helping. I groaned and pulled another pair of jeans put of the pile the smelled worse I put them aside. I picked up the first pair of jeans and put them in a different pile. I continued to do this with all my clothes until I came down to one pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I then looked at the clock and almost screamed I had 10 minutes to get ready. I grabbed the clothes and ran out of my room and into the bathroom. When Lily saw me she said

"James I-" but I didn't have time to listen. I finished my shower in 5 minutes and got dressed and brushed my teeth. There. Now I'd done it. I looked terrible. I ran into my room and grabbed my books and threw on my chucks. I came out into the common room with one minute to spare. VICTORY! Lily checked her watch and laughed. "Didn't have time to dry your hair James?"

* * *

Why didn't he dress like that all the time. grungy jeans, gray V-neck and old navy converse. And his black hair was messy and wet, still dripping water. Wait? Did he really shower twice a day? Ha. I actually laughed out loud. Hey, I couldn't have chosen a better guy to live with this year. Damn.

"No. it didn't have time to dry. How do you get your clothes clean Lily?" He seemed irked and slightly distracted. He is so cute that way. If only he knew how attactive he was right now. He pushed his hair up and grunted when the touch reminded him that his hair was wet.

"What? What do you mean?"

"How on earth do you still have clean clothes? I mean you are a girl, but really. You can't have _that_ many clothes."

"The house elves clean my clothes."

"What? Do they not like me or something?" God he was so hot when he was miffed.

"Maybe they can't find your clothes?"

"Why wouldn't they be able to find them they're folded in my hamper in my closet in the back to the left of my- I hadn't thought of that."

"James you're a neat freak." I shook my head "Have you even seen my room?"

* * *

"No." it was true I hadn't. She always kept her door firmly shut. She got up and opened her door.

"There's a reason I keep my door shut. I'm hopeless at keeping anything tidy. They just pick the clothes right up off my floor. And stick them folded on my bed when they're clean. I mean if you go through the trouble to fold your clothes and then put them in a hamper don't you think they could get confused? Just leave your closet doors open" her voice trailed off as I got up and walked over to her. She looked slightly nervous. God! It was appalling I almost took a step back. There was clothing and Ric Rac all over the floor! But the fact that it was her room is what intrigued me. I forced myself to take a step in. I surveyed it. It was lovely (besides the Ric Rac), a lovely blue with a window seat and all sorts of pillows and pictures. I picked my way across the room over to a strange looking machine

"What is this?" I poked at it.

"Hey! Careful! That's my baby you just poked!"

"What?"

"My sewing machine! Ok, I know it's a mess but I clean it every Friday. I don't have time in the week." She fidgeted. I looked over at her, she was so cute. She had her hands clasped in front of her like she was nervous. Lovely. It really was a nice room. Besides the fact that it's a death trap.

"But you're so tidy everywhere else. The common room, your school bag, your desks, the heads duties, even the way you dress suggests it."

"What? Oh. I mostly do it for others. It's not fair that if I'm messy that others need to put up with it." And that is why I love Lily, she always thinks of others first. Always.

"That's sweet." I moved to her bed and sat down and looked at her. She walked over and sat down beside me.

"Thanks." We stared at each other.

"We're going to be late."

" I know" I shouldn't be doing this. James Potter isn't supposed to be doing this. I still love her. I just hide it because I know she doesn't feel the same way. But really, sometimes I really think she does. But I don't think she wants to. But at times like these I really feel she does.

"Do you?"

" Yeah." She was leaning towards me so close. So close her eyes fluttered closed. In a couple of seconds I will have finally gotten what I have always wanted and- wait! No! No! No! No! NO. I forced myself to get up.

"No, I don't think you do. Lily we're late for class." I almost ran out of her room. That was way to close. I'm not sure what I'll do if that happens again. She didn't know what she was doing. If she did she would not be trying to kiss me.

* * *

Damn! We were so close. He didn't even seem to mind that my room is a safety hazard. I am terrible at making excuses. And ugh, I am the worst! I knew he didn't like me, and I have to go and try to kiss him! What is that? Now what is he going to think of me? I could have messed this up for good. I mean now what will our relationship be like? And when I opened my eyes he was gone. I don't understand, I am getting so many mixed signs from him. I mean… I guess I can understand… but well- not really. Ok well maybe he liked me and then he stopped and now he's starting to like me again because I'm so, well anyways and now he can't decide whether he should like me or not. Yeah… that's a good explanation. Oh God, why me!

I got up and trudged out of my room. I picked up my things and reminisced about what could have happened and, and. And no. Plan C. Get over James Potter. I can't put myself through this. It's too painful. He's not going to like me again. If he finds out I like him then if anything happens it will be out of sympathy and I'll never be able to live with myself, let alone him. Today is now officially Day 1 Of Getting Over James Potter!


	5. misunderstood

Day 1 of Getting OVER James Potter.

Rule number 1: Get the hell out of saying his first name! That will not help me on Plan C. And if Plan C is going to work I need to really believe in it. I BELIEVE! Because I want this! I can't have this pain! I need this!

Rule number 2: He's not your best friend. Alice Prewitt is my best friend. I have to stop acting like Jame-Potter is my best friend.

Rule number 3: talk to Alice and see if she notices how much you really love Jam-POTTER

"Damnit!"

"Are you ok Lily?" I looked up and almost screamed! I looked down and realized that my writing was twice as big as normal. And surreptitiously put my arm on my paper. BUT IT DIDN'T COVER IT! So I stretched both arms over it and hooked my fingers on the edge of the desk.

"What? What do you mean?"

"Well you just swore… and. Well you were… writing really… animatedly. Are you sure your ok?" Damn he was so sexy- NO Lily! He is not! And remember you only swear when your nervous and around Ja- POTTER!

"DAMNIT!"

"Lily?" Shit

"Lily why do you keep swearing?"

"I hate what I'm writing. It's making me angry. And.. and.. you are making me even more annoyed." I said sort of rushed making it all up on spot.. Well not really. It was true. I hate what I was writing. Let's face it I don't want to forget Jam-POTTER! I want him to fall for me.. and then for us to live happily ever after in Lo-LILY! How could you use that word! "James, shit, umm" damn my mind is a mess when he's around. "I can't think right now! Can you just go away?" I nearly begged him and he must have seen my confusion and apprehension because he backed off.

He looked me right in the eye "Ok Lily. Come find me when you find yourself." Was that supposed to be hinting at something? BECAUSE NO THANKS! I have found myself. It's him that needs to find himself.

Rule number 4: Don't ever use the word love in context with J-Potter. EVER!

* * *

Why can't she just admit that she likes me? Damn! It's not like I didn't see her paper. Really. My name was written all over it.. I mean besides the excessive swear words she uses when she thinks or talks about me I think she really likes me.. no matter how mental that is. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take. I love her. I do. But this is all too painful. And well I'm just not sure about anything anymore.

* * *

Day 10 of getting over J- POTTER

This is turning out less difficult that I thought it would be, at least the avoiding his part. I mean I still can't stop thinking about him. Him playing quidditch. Can't help that. His stuff is always all over the common rooms. His Abs, I can't help that either whenever I wake him up he doesn't have a shirt. About his messy hair, I can't help that either I sit behind him in three of my classes. About his smell. That musky vanilla with a hint of cedar and pine. Especially when he comes back from quidditch. But really the avoiding part is easy he never comes over and talks to me unless he has too anymore… and HEY! He's avoiding me! No! Why? I need to talk to Remus and quick! I had previously been lounging on the couch in the common room twinning J-Potters jersey around my fingers until I shot up and almost ran out of the portrait hole. I took a look at our portraits who were making out again. I sniffed. And said "In your dreams." I stuck my shoe in to door for the room of requirements and came out by the common rooms hoping to find Remus.

"Remus!" I almost squealed when I saw him. "We need to talk!"

"ok Lily. Go ahead." He was stoic, he had always been when I needed to talk. He didn't give me advice unless I asked, most of the time I just needed to say it out loud to actually click. I had been talking to him a lot lately about everything. Homework, James DAMN! POTTER POTTER POTTER! Why can't I get it into my head! But I haven't talked to hi for a while. Not since I started trying to get over JPOTTER!

"We need to go somewhere private." I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the room. I pulled him into the hall and took my shoe out.

"Lily-"

"desperate times call for desperate measures!"

"Lily, this really isn't a good idea… if James sees us here.. You know he suspects stuff because I didn't tell him what we've been talking about. He isn't believe my lies!"

"He's not here! But this important!" I dragged him over to the couch and hesitated before shoving James' quidditch stuff off the couch. I pushed him down and got a little to close to him for his liking and he scooted back but to no avail I only scooted towards him closer than before. His eyes darted around the room.

"Remus he's avoiding me. Why?"

"Wha-what?"

"You know what I'm talking about Remus! Tell me now!"

"I don't know what your talking about.."

"Your right. James probably doesn't believe you because you're a terrible liar! So spill." I got so close that he almost fell off over the arm of the couch.

"Fine! He's avoiding you. He's giving you space, because you're messing with his brain! You used to hate him Lily! He can't help but feel confused! He doesn't know you like him. There are times when you really show it, but all the excuses you make because you think he doesn't like you and your too proud to admit you like him are confusing him. Like the time you told him you were close to him because you were going to scream at him to wake up! I can't keep covering for you! You need to tell him!" He was now leaning towards me and I ended up lying down on the couch with my head propped on the arm rest. He was starting to freak me out! Really! I can't tell James I like him!  
"I can't tell James I like him! Are you crazy! He doesn't like me! He told me himself he got over me! What the hell!"

"Lily it doesn't matter what you think. He's ignoring you and there's only one thing you can do." I groaned.

"Remus?"

* * *

I was deep on thought when I saw her grab his hand. And my heart stopped. Figures. Trying to get over a girl does that to you. I followed them out and saw them enter a door stopped by a shoe. Her shoe. No! This couldn't be happening to me. I thought about catching the door but didn't because I knew they wouldn't be through the portrait hall yet. So I made my way slowly to the room of requirements. Until I got on the floor I had been walking slowly. But then suddenly I couldn't handle it and I sprinted to it. And the wooden doors appeared. When I got to the portrait. I looked at it. And then shuddered we were all over each other… but when they saw me they exchanged a look. Usually they just open but when they saw me see them look at each other the quickly went back to what they previously had been doing. I cleared my throat and said the password quietly. And they stared at me for a second. Before slowly opening up for me. Just as I got inside I heard her groan. NO! I walked into the room.

"Remus?" I asked almost crying. He was practically on top of her "How could you?"

"Mate.. no! It's not what you think!"

"How could it not be? Your on top of her! Your on top of my Lily. I- wish I could believe you!" Remus looked down and I could tell he faltered seeing where he was, probably wondering how he got in the situation. He and Lily exchanged looks and he quickly got off her. How could he? My best mate.. My mate… Lily..


	6. Why I'm such a bitch

Day 13 of trying to get- what the hell! I cannot get over him! I might as well stop trying!

God what is wrong with me! I haven't talked to James in two days. Like really talked to him. And I think I'm dying. And the fact that he called me "my Lily" was so romantic I think my heart stopped that day. But really, now he thinks that Remus and I have been sneaking around behind his back... and I mean we have. But not like that! If only he knew... He won't even look at Remus. So neither of us has a chance to explain… And even if I did I would mess it up because for some reason even though he called me his I still can't believe he was lying to me when he said he was over me. He was so so so- I could never tell him. Which might just be the only thing that can fix this all. Oh Merlin. I hate myself right now. I really do! I just really do! I mean. I know what I have to do. Yet even for a friend I can't do it.

Day 16. I thought I might as well continue the count.

Now Remus won't talk to me. I think he can hardly believe that even though he told me James was lying when he said he got over me that I still won't do it. Remus is one of my good friends. And well I'm kind of lonely right now. Alice is great. But ever since I became head… and wouldn't tell her that I am freaking in love with James Potter, and ruined 6th year it just hasn't been the same. So even though I am spending my free time with Alice now, I feel so empty inside.

Damn Lily! Freakin James won't talk to me and Sirius always being a bit more loyal to James is sticking with him. And not all I have is Peter and even he is starting to stop hanging out with me because he's scared of Sirius even though he believes me. And now I'm just in exile! Lily would understand except I'm not talking to her because I'm angry that she just won't tell James the truth and fix all of this. And the worst is James maybe will notice that me and Lily aren't hanging out together at all and he might think we're innocent except that because he's with Sirius that bastard will make up some story that me and Lily are just doing it as an act so that he would forget about it. Typical Sirius. Damn him.

"Hey Sirius?"

"What James?"

"Have you noticed that Lily and Remus haven't been talking?"

"Yes. They're only doing it so you think they aren't together."

"Oh. I was so hoping..."

"James! I get it! You can hardly stand it. Why don't you just talk to the girl! Maybe she'll give you a good answer. You must have figured it out by now that I'm just making a lot o this up... because it's what you want to hear."

"I- What?"

"Go talk to her."

"I can't. Everything I thought she might be feeling was right... but she was confused because she couldn't decide between me and Remus."

"So why are you mad at Remus then?"

"That's a good question. I think because umm… well because he doesn't blame her too."

"I think-"

"Shut up Peter. We all know your only here because your too afraid to be on Remus's side." Wait. That might work… Peter would know everything there is to know... right?

"Wait- Peter. What is Remus's reason?"

"Well that he was only talking to her… err… like that because he was trying to get it into her head that she- oh my I shouldn't have said that."

"Said what? That she what? PETER! Tell us NOW!"

"I- um… hold on. I have to say this in the right way." He stopped pathetically and let out a sigh. Sirius really does know how to scare Peter. But what he doesn't know is how to be nice to Peter. He never really liked him and only accepted him because Remus and I had. "He was trying-" Peter squeaked "to. Get. It into her head that she's… not… alone! Yeah! She's not alone!" The poor boy seemed almost uplifted at the thought that no one would beat him up for saying too much about anything. I tried to think through this… I wasn't about to make Peter tell me anymore. He'd never been quite this clever before. I'd just have to pretend I was Remus the smart one and riddle it out. She wasn't alone. Well in context... obviously they had been making out.

"What do you mean ALONE?" I looked up out of my trance and saw that Sirius was almost strangling the poor boy

"Sirius! Stop!" He stopped his shaking and just held Peter up by the collar they both looked at me. "Don't he's told us enough."

"He has?"

"Yes."

"So you know what he means?"

"Not yet. But I think the first thing to do is begin contact with Remus again."

"But you said that Remus was number two on your 'don't talk to list'."

"That he is. But, you know… really I believe he's innocent."

"What are you talking about? YOU SAW THEM MAKING OUT!"

"Correction, I heard them making out. What Peter said makes sense. Remus and Lil- Evans for that matter can get very- err… passionate about a subject. I believe he's innocent… even if Lily is-not."

Really he does look pathetic whenever he says her name. Usually his face lights up but now he's just pathetic, glum and pathetic. Those last words are really torturing him I think. It's probably time I stick up for the girl no matter how much I hate her for taking James away from me.

"James. She's not exactly a traitor. You told her you didn't like her. Imagine how confusing that could be. You've liked her for 5 years and then you have to go and just stop. Maybe when she was just starting to like you. Maybe she has been with Remus longer than that and they've always hidden it because they know that would have gone berserk. Yeah! And now she's all confused. And then- HEY! Where did that come from? That's probably it! She likes you! But you always told her that you didn't like her and now she feels self conscious for liking you after all these years! And even though she was with Remus she feels guilty for liking someone else. I mean I know you guys were almost- best friends and you could argue she would have talked to you about Remus and everything. But maybe since you've liked her for so long she felt it would be better not too! Because who knows?"

"You know Sirius that's the first bit of sense I've heard out of you about this whole ordeal. Ok. Let's go talk to Moony."

Day 18. (Really day 7 of not talking to James and Remus.) I have serious problems that need to be dealt with as soon as possible!

I remember the day well. The day James told me he was over me. The beginning of sixth year Remus and I were prefects together. That was when we really started getting close (Remus and I). I had started hanging out with him and the marauders were giving him a hard time about it. One day I had finally had enough. If Remus trusted me, why not them? What's the problem with Remus being friends with a girl?

"Cut it out."

"Cut what out Evans?" Sirius almost sneered at me. So I looked him right back in the eye.

"You are pathetic. You know that? Truly pathetic. You beat on Remus for being friends with a girl because you're jealous of the time I've taken away from you with him and for the fact that you clearly lack the social skills to be anywhere near how popular he is."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah you heard me." I almost laughed but I stopped myself. This was a serious matter to him.

"What do you mean I lack the social skills? I can have a girl anytime I want one." I scoffed.

"Yeah, but can you keep her? You use girls to get what you want and then you forget all about them. You don't know how to feel. You aren't amiable, gentlemanly, or kind. And you don't care about anyone but your self. And-"

"Whoa. Calm down Lily" I moved my head and met James hazel eyes

"Why?"

"Because that's my best mate you're talking about. And you don't know him. You only know as deep as his skin. Don't assume you know what's really inside."

"Look who's talking. You can't say that you aren't jealous of Remus too."

"Why not?"

"Because he spends so much more time with me than you do. And the fact that I can't stand you bugs you. You can't help but wish that your relationship was the same with me as mine is with him." He smiled a sad smile at me

"Oh Lily. If only you knew what you were saying. I think-"

"Hey!" Remus had finally had enough "Lily, thank you for being a good friend and defending me. But my mates have a point. We hardly have time alone as it is with prefect duties and all. And no offence because I love hanging out with you, and I love being your friend, but they never get time with me alone anymore. I think maybe we should stop hanging out so much. You can't like not being with Alice all the time can you?"

"Well…" I stuttered he had a point "I guess not." I looked at them all. "I'm sorry. But what I said remains the same and I don't take it back, it's true and you shouldn't be mean to him because he has other friends. See you later Remus." I smiled at him and walked out of the great hall. After I had heard the door shut I heard it squeak open again and then I heard my name and the footsteps of the person running to catch up with me.

"Lily! Wait Lily!" I huffed and turned around as he jogged up to me. "Lily! I have to tell you." I looked at him and raised my eyebrow

"What Potter?" I had known it was he the minute I heard his voice.

"I just wanted to tell you" he smiled "that I'm not going to chase you this year or ever."

"What?"

"Lily, this summer I was thinking and I-" He stopped to take a breath "I got over you."

"Yo- you did what?" I was speechless

"I got over you." and then he smiled a genuine smile "I hope we can be friends. I'm done being immature and senseless. It was so not cool. And everything you said was true for the old me. But not for me now, not for the changed me." He looked at me a little and then expectantly raised his eyebrows. I was supposed to say something.

"I- well. Oh. Well good I guess. Thanks, I think." I had been disoriented and a little disappointed, though at the time if you had asked me I would have sworn that I was made the happiest girl in the world when he said those words when really this empty feeling had come over me. I had finished the conversation with "Ok. Well. Bye then." And then I had walked away.

After that James would come up to me randomly and talk to me, which I confess I started to enjoy and expect immediately. And all of a sudden the marauders didn't mind me hanging around. In fact all my friends Alice and a 7th year Molly and our other friends started eating and hanging out with the Marauders. And sooner than later relationships started forming between all of us. We talked and laughed together and Alice and Sirius started dating. And as time went on James and I got closer and closer. And then I realized what was going down and I did the only thing I still know how to do, I ran away. And with my shame all the walls we had built crumbled gradually. It all happened after James had finally caught me and I said those hateful words to him. Then after my friends heard what I had done, what I had said, after they realized why I backed away from them, that's when things went bad. Sirius ended his longest relationship yet, a blissful four months, with Alice and went out with around ten girls in around ten consecutive days putting Alice in a wreck. So much so she would not leave her bed for a week after that. And Molly left altogether. And I wandered the castle alone.


	7. hope

Day 32

I'm exasperated. And I'm getting more and more desperate. I almost want to talk to Mary about all of this… but- I can't. She would just look and sight at me, annoyed that I come to her now. And she has such a good heart that at least she lets me trail after even though her and all my other sort of friends. The general picture looks a little like this. We get out of a grueling class in which I sit alone in now because no one is talking to me anymore, and the people who actually want me to talk to them I don't want to take the effort to actually talk to, we then walk to our next classes say the needed farewells then we start on to our next class that half of us have together. And though the marauders have all the same classes as me… that was great at first- but now it's a burden, always seem to disappear the minute they get out of the classroom. And of course in History of Magic I have to sit behind James so I can stare at him all I want. Which is so annoying because I'm TRYING (yet failing) to get over him. And it doesn't help that it's the most boring class I'm taking.

* * *

I'm used to being alone, I mean even when they were all still talking to me. I always have had my furry little problem. And as much as they would love to skip school to hang out while I rehabilitated I always animatedly refuse. They were going to learn as much as possible. Though I admit that they probably didn't learn much at all because I wasn't there to keep them in line. There came a time though when I did need them to cover more than usual for me. It was when Snape couldn't keep his nose out of my business. He suspected me. And of course clever as he was he was right. But no way in hell am I going to tell anyone except the other three marauders. Lily knows of course she figured it out after a while though I give her credit for refusing to ever believe Snape until I told her outright. But she couldn't have been left out in the dark when we started working so close together. So I told her in the beginning of 6th year. There have always been times when I've been alone. And I must say I can bare the solitude very well… But it feels empty. Usually the boys would visit me or send me candy or a letter. And even Lily would send even the smallest note with her owl if she didn't have time to write a letter. And now I am out of contact. And I think the fact that I know they are doing it on purpose is what bugs me the most. So I suppose until Lily can get the guts to tell James the truth I'm stuck in the gutter. I hope she realizes that.

Wait- Hope! On the horizon! They're walking towards me… they're coming closer and James is actually looking at me! OH JOY!

"Remus we need to talk." James said

"Oh. Well the first thing that needs to be said is-"

"In private" added Sirius.

"Oh… ok."

So this is where I find myself, the room of requirements, how ironic. Especially because the last time someone said those words to me and dragged me into the room of requirement I lost all the friends I had, I think that I should be allowed to say that this might not end well.

"Can I say what I wanted to in the first place please?" I was impatient. They had taken me away from my dinner and that time of the month is coming up for me and I need to be as strong as possible for my transformation. And I feel like, even though I can never remember anything, if I go into this thing irritated I'll be more viscous then. They looked at each other and James slowly nodded. "Well. Good. This is ridiculous. James my mate since first year thinks I've been sneaking around with a girl who he's liked for almost as long. Which… is true." They're mouths dropped open. Apparently they didn't think I was going to actually say that. "But- the fact about what you thought the reason I was is what concerns me. You actually thought that I was doing… things with Lily, when really-" I stopped I couldn't do this to her no matter how annoyed I am right now

"When really?" James looked at me steadily.

"I-" I hesitated I was loosing my friends all over again. "I- can't tell you."

"Why not Remus?" I could see the sadness forming in his eyes pooling up like a river when it first goes over a waterfall. I chose my words carefully

"Because, I promised I would never tell anyone- including _you_- what she was coming to me and _talking_ to me about. We've been friends for while and we're close. But not that close, that is one thing I can promise you James. That when you found me and Lily, you found me trying to get something into her thick head, something very particular that I've been trying to tell her all year, but she hasn't gotten it yet." His shoulders slumped. None of us spoke a word for a minute or two and then James looked up. He spoke slowly still trying to digest what I had said.

"Ok. But we have some questions for you." They can be so dense sometimes. I've been giving them scores of hints and clues about how she's practically in love with him since the beginning of the year. But it was to no avail. They just look at me weird. And I've been telling Lily straightforward! How on earth did I get stuck in Gryffindor? I mean I guess I know… but really why can't they just see that they're freaking in love with each other and get together. It's been driving me insane for a year and half now.

"Alright." I walked over to a couch that had procured when I thought about sitting down. And sit I did. This was going to be a very long night.


	8. Scared

It's been four and half weeks. This is worse than last year. Last year It was at the half mark. This year… it's only three months in. What am I going to do. I'm not even running away from him anymore. I'm depressed. I've stopped pretending to be with my friends, and now I go to the library every time there is a break. Normally if I was alone I might take a book out to the lake and read. But now the weather has turned cold and all I can do is go to the library or too my room. I don't avoid him, we've gotten onto the basis that we just pass each other without looking. I used to get the fluttery feeling. Now I feel empty and gaunt inside. If this had been a normal working relationship then I would have gotten over him by now and we wouldn't be talking to each other. I've gotten used to avoiding the common room at all costs. And now it's just a reflex. If we pass in there we just don't speak. Right now I'm headed to my room. And it's clean, so clean in fact that I have gone through everything I own and started folding my dirty clothes and putting them in my hamper in the corner of my room. I have to much time on my hands. I eat fast now and leave the great hall as soon as I can. Most of the time my homework is done before seven, then I go to dinner, then to the library study for an hour or two. When I get to my room I take a shower right away (because we share a bathroom) and then stay up for another two hours reading. And now in this case, cleaning.

I made my way to the common room and James was sitting in an armchair casually playing with a snitch he had stolen. I walked towards my room with hardly a glance. But as I reached for the knob I heard my name.

* * *

"Lily" she stopped short in her path, frozen. After what seemed like hours she turned to face me. She just stood there and didn't say a word.

"Lily, do you like Remus?" She just continued to stare at me. But I continued. "because if you do, I want you to know that at first I was acting stupid-" Merlin this was hard to say. "and even though it would break my heart, I just want you to be happy." At these words she looked at my eyes, searching for something invisible. "So if you and Remus need to be together. Than- you- have- my blessing. Please-"

"What did you say?"

"I said that you had-"

"No, before that?" she was staring at me intensely and walking closer and closer.

"I want you to be happy."

"and what else did you say before that?"

"It would break my heart. Lily you could break my heart, but as long as your happy-"

"Why would I do that?"

"What?"

"You said you wanted me to be happy."

"Yes. I want you to be happy."

"Then why would I break your heart?"

"What?" This conversation was not going as planned

"If you're happy, then I'm happy."

"But surly, if you like-"

"Think it through James. If you aren't happy with Remus and I being together, and I'm happy when you're happy? Why would I be with him?"

"I- that's the best reason."

"I know." She was so close to me. So close.

"Lily-" but then all of a sudden her head went down

* * *

"James." My heart is racing. I don't think I can do this. I just don't think I can. "James, I just want us to be friends again ok? I don't like Remus, that night-"

"I know, he told me."

"what?" me heart stopped. Remus told him. Told him what? That I liked him? Nononono!

"He was trying to get something into your head." I sighed relieved

"Oh. Well yes that is what happened. Well I'll talk to you later I-"

"Lily-" he grabbed my hand and a shock of electricity ran up through my arm and my head snapped up

"Please, I _know_."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

* * *

She still wasn't ready, after all this time.

"No Lily. Listen."

"James. Please. I just want to be friends ok?" This was ridiculous. She liked me I knew for sure. And I like her, she knows for sure. What was her problem? I let go of her hand and walked out of the common room without another word.


	9. eventful noneventful day

And now I'm back to square one. Again. For the third time. Awesome. This seems to be a downward spiral. Every time I do this to him the time period before it happens gets less and less. Except now the roles are reversed because I know that he knows that I can't get his stupid face out of my head. Why does he have to be so damn perfect. The way he always runs his damn hand through his damn beautiful hair- the way he smells so damn good. Damn.

It has been another non-eventful day, like the ones I've described earlier. Lurking around the library, reading to many books and finishing my 3-foot essays the day I got them. Nothing has changed today. Life is so predictable it almost kills me- but not quite. Dinner over, I am wondering just what James is doing. He wasn't sitting with the marauders like he usually is. He could be finishing up a last minute essay about what moon orbits some star and why it's in the solar system it is in; He always did love astronomy. He could be flying around the castle on his broom clearing his mind. Thinking this I wander too the heads corridor. The portraits look at me angrily, mostly the portrait of James, the one of me just looks sad. I look them straightforward and in a haste the anger I hold for myself arises when I see them and I almost viciously say "What?" and they just look on. It's not like they really deserved it, but I don't care, I don't care that they had nothing better to look at then me or where I was standing. And now I'm just going to sulk in a bad mood all night in my room, I won't be able to sew, although last weekend was Hogsmead and I got new fabric, because I'd ruin the material. Urg. The only joys left in my life gone.

"Just open already ok?" and sure enough they did and I walked into the common room to see James opening his bedroom door with his quidditch gear. I must have looked genuinely surprised, and I was, because I saw the corners of his mouth turn up like he was about to smile. And all of a sudden words popped out of my mouth

"You don't have quidditch today, Are you going to fly for a bit? Is there an extra practice?"

Ha. She just wants to be friends yet she knows my schedule backwards and forwards. I didn't say a word to her. I just moved forward expecting she would get out of my way, but, she's just standing in front of the door. Is she trying to make this harder for me? I glanced at the letter I had placed on the table near the door for her. And looked up again

I was a foot away from her. She had seen where I was looking.

"Excuse me." She stared for a second then stepped aside. I made my way out of the portrait hole and then through the double doors coming out on the third floor. Which was odd because I want to go to the Gryffindor common room. Ugh just when I want to get away. But I'd have to go the long way. I had better get a head start, she'll be out any minute. I took off running with my gear on my back. When I got to the same corridor two floors up I stopped. I was far enough away. Then I heard a click and I saw her step into the hallway four or five feet in front of me. I instantly turned around. I had forgotten about that stupid door.


	10. If you thought I was perfect

I instantly started walking the other direction. She called out to me,

"James." I paused and stopped walking silent for a second.

"What is it Lily?" I heard her coming towards me, her footsteps echoing in the empty hall. I turned and watched her approach. She took a final step and stood in front of me.

"James." Her voice was soft and seemed to rebuke everything I had said in the letter in a single word. But she didn't say anything else. A minute passed and she softly put her hand up to my cheek and said, "what are you doing?" this question irked me almost as much as the way she said my name only minutes before. I spoke with a hardened voice.

"I'm helping you Lily. I can see that I'm making something hard for you. I can see that you for some reason can't-"

"No, I mean, what are you doing? Why are you doing something that isn't you." Her voice stayed soft "you're forcing yourself to do this. You don't have to. Didn't I tell you that what makes you happy makes me happy? What makes you cry makes me cry. I'm sad when you're sad. Do I need to say it again? I'm tired of running James. I'm tired of you 'getting over me' I don't want to be separated from you. I don't think it's possible." What was she saying? WHAT was she saying! This couldn't be right. "Why did I have to go and fall for someone who was so infatuated with me for five years and then all of a sudden they're done? Why me, James? Why me?" I took a step towards her "You don't have to do this James. Quitting your heads job isn't the answer. Let's just be straight. Please can't we be straight with one another just this once, enough about trying to please the other and remain 'friends', I don't think it's possible!"

* * *

My voice had risen " To just be friends with you, James, would be to hard for me. Which is why James that I tried to so very hard to forget you." We were so close and all of a sudden he kissed me. It was blissful, something I've been longing to do. Lovely, sweet, and over to soon. He looked down at me.

"Lily, was that straight forward enough?" I stared up at him

"Damn." I said is quiet appreciation.

"Lily, you swore again, are you nervous?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Now now, Lily, then really" He chided.

"What? If you thought I was perfect, you thought wrong. I only swear for two reasons- well three- either I'm nervous" I nodded at him "very angry, or completely and utterly besotted with James Potter."

And with that I put arm around his neck and kissed him.


End file.
